When Discourse Replaces Intercourse

Do you want to connect?

I am single and have been for almost a decade. I have been asked by helpful friends and relatives why I don’t spend more time on dating sites. I could do a stand-up comedy monologue about some of the people I was paired with on the sites! One site that assured all readers their in-depth questionnaire meant excellent matches informed me there were no matches for me. (Nada? Zero? Should I have left off that bit about meditating? Or that I have a PhD?) I know people for whom dating sites have been a wonderful boon. Congratulations if you are one of them. I am not. I got really tired of men who claimed they were “separated” and “not quite divorced” when we chatted, although their profiles said they were divorced or widowed. However, I did date a few people over the years and I reflect on the experiences now and again to learn about myself. What was I looking for? What was I prepared to offer? Did I want to connect?

I dated a couple of men who had been in long-term marriages that ended. In one case the man’s wife died after nearly 50 years of marriage from a crippling illness. They had married as 18-year olds, been faithful to one another, and were best friends. The wife of the man in the second case cited her husband’s drinking and on-going infidelity as reasons for divorce after 30+ years. Both of the men had been single for more than two years when I dated them and both men talked about their wives. Constantly.

Granted, I am a good listener. I am also an introvert. I am willing to answer questions about myself, however, I do not share many stories without prompting. In both cases I was rarely prompted. (Perhaps I put out a vibe that says, “Don’t ask.” I’ll think about that…) The two men are extroverts and I learned a lot about them, as in, I could write their life stories.

My observation is that people who are extroverted are used to sharing and expect that if people want to share, they will do so. Extroverts in my life pull me out of my inner world and introduce me to activities and people I would not access otherwise. (Mostly I am grateful. Sometimes they rudely disrupt my reading…) Introverts tend to wait, to listen, to observe. We are rarely the center of attention on dates. I loved the Bridgerton scenes where Francesca and John stand and sit quietly and comfortably side-by-side. Two introverts who find peace in one another’s company. Introverts are not always quiet and unassuming. I balance quiet, contemplation, and meditation with dancing, singing, and laughing. And sex. I am rarely quiet during sex. (Remember trying to be quiet when the kids were little?)

Let’s talk about sex. Which is less complicated? Having a conversation with someone or having sex with someone? My answer: Depends on the someone. Which is more intimate? Having a conversation with someone or having sex with someone? My answer: Depends on the someone. I have a friend who says that her favorite form of intercourse is discourse. I love that she knows what is important to her and what brings her joy. My favorite form of intercourse? Depends on the someone.

When I entered the world of online dating I had been out of the dating world for a while. I discovered that Date Number #3 is considered the sex date. The two guys in my stories were on time and made a big deal out of Date Number #1, showed up about on time and thought THEY were the big deal for Date Number #2, and were early and full of energy for Date Number #3. That Date Number #3 energy did not match up to my energy. I thought, Why would I invite you to share my whole body and all my sexy secrets when all I’ve shared to this point are my ears? (And head nods. I could have been a bobblehead.) Note to self: Get it figured out by the end of the second date.

I learned that I was looking for connection and the men I met online were not able to connect as they were not emotionally available. Red flags abounded. The first man lived in a house his wife designed. He hated the architectural style but felt he was leaving her if he sold the house and moved elsewhere. The second man had his ex-wife’s dishes and clothing. She had not asked for or claimed them and he would not remove them from the dresser or china cabinet. As I listened and learned about each of them I realized that they were emotionally hurting and not in a healthy place to be in relationship.

A friend of mind said, “I have a great sex life. And one day I hope to again share it with someone else.” In the meantime, let’s converse!