Take Nothing Personally

Wish I’d learned this earlier

“You’re a crybaby.” “Stop being so sensitive.” “Can’t you take a joke?”

As a youngster I had no words to address statements such as these, nor did I understand the phrase, “Don’t take anything personally.” When a comment was directed at me, said to my face, included my name in the sentence, how could I not take it personally?

Today I remind myself that everything — everything — someone says is about them, not about me. We each speak from our own experiences, biases, and perceptions. Every statement we make, every question we ask, every opinion we express, reveals something about us.

There are times when what someone says triggers a painful memory or points out that I am engaging in unhealthy behaviors. The speaker’s intent followed by my response may be quite different. We are different people; our speaking and listening are from our own frames of reference.

Break it down:

1. Person A makes a hurtful or cutting comment at me. Voice tone may be straight up or joking. Their comment may or may not be truthful. An example I have heard several times: “You laughed so loudly I’m sure everyone in the building could hear you. Tone it down.” (I have a full and loud laugh.) Sometimes I feel embarrassed by this comment, especially when it is delivered in a group. When embarrassed, I pause and dial down my laugh, my voice, myself. However, most times I feel secure and happy, acknowledge the comment with a slight nod, and carry on as before. (Hurray for being 71!)

2. Person B sees me pick up a cookie and says, “I thought you weren’t going to eat sugar.” The comment may be innocent, perhaps seeking clarification on what I told them. However, I hear the words as judgmental. Why? Because I am judging myself for eating the cookie. (Fine. Two cookies. Whatever.)

One afternoon I had lunch with a friend. She too casually asked, “How is your relationship going with So-and-So?” I whipped my head around to meet her eyes. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I saw the two of you at dinner,” she said. I stared at her for a full minute, realizing the conclusion she had drawn from such limited data. I told her that So-and-So and I were not and had never been in a relationship, that we were good friends. (If you have ever lived in a small town you may have a similar story. Feel free to tell me!)

I include the relationship example to point out how little information we use to make assumptions about others, and to make conclusions. I wonder, how much certainty do I create that is inaccurate? How often am I wrong?

“Don’t take anything personally” is one of the Four Agreements as detailed by Don Miguel Ruiz. This agreement advises that others’ actions are a projection of their own reality. Others’ actions are not a reflection of me.

I remember telling a girlfriend one afternoon that I was worried what she thought about a decision I had made. She said simply, “I haven’t really thought about it. In fact, I don’t think about you much at all.” She not-so-gently pointed out that I was not the center of her world.

My friend was not being cruel. She was stating that I was thinking about myself — a lot — and assuming that everyone else was thinking about me as well. I appreciate that she said what she did. I felt relief as her comments gave me permission to be honest and to not be overly concerned about issues that don’t have my name on them. (Even if I could fix those issues, could make everything better, could do it better than anyone else…)

“You’re a crybaby.” “Stop being so sensitive.” “Can’t you take a joke?”

I pause when I hear comments like these. I have a range of responses today and intentionally choose my words.

v I may share why I am crying, or I may take space for myself. “I will not subject myself to someone who engages in name calling, or who minimizes my feelings.”

v I am a sensitive, caring, and compassionate person. “Your comment was hurtful and has nothing to do with whether or not I am sensitive.”

v I laugh easily. “Your comment was not funny or I would have laughed. You are smart and you know that the comment was racist / hurtful / disgusting.”

Feel free to let me know how you respond.

May you have peace in your mind, heart, and home.