“What’s not wrong?” I recently came across this question from “Peace is Every Step” a book by Thich Nhat Hanh, who was a Vietnamese Buddhist monk. The simplicity of the question turned my attention to look for what’s going well, what isn’t hurting, what has pleasantly surprised me.
1. What’s going well — My consulting practice is going well. One example: I was excited to facilitate a communication workshop for the Muckleshoot Tribal College staff last week. The Muckleshoot Tribe’s reservation is located south of Seattle and the workshop took place over zoom.
2. What isn’t hurting — I have two examples of what isn’t hurting: In the past year I had my gallbladder removed and then some months later underwent surgery on my right ankle for a sports injury from high school. Both operations followed by physical therapy resulted in less physical pain.
3. What has pleasantly surprised me — My garden is a daily sweet surprise to me. Rose of Sharon, white star jasmine, and hibiscus are all in bloom. By comparison, my Alaska friends are still growing their vegetables indoors, waiting to put them in the ground!
Rather than focusing on what was well and pleasant this week, I could have engaged in cognitive distortions. Here are examples of three common distortions: overgeneralization, black-and-white thinking, and projection.
Overgeneralization — Believing that one negative outcome indicates a never-ending pattern of failure. Last fall I worked with a group regarding organizational trauma. We did several exercises over a period of a couple of hours. One exercise focused on identifying patterns across the organization, for example, how to handle conflict. I asked participants to share first in small groups and after they met in the groups for ten minutes I asked for volunteers to share their small group examples with the large group. I was met with silence. I acknowledged the discomfort I observed and gave examples from my own experience, relieving them from the burden of sharing. Afterward, I spent time thinking through my workshop design and concluded that some exercises are not appropriate for a large group, especially when the large group is not a safe space for some of the members. I did not berate myself nor become upset, thinking I was a failure at facilitation. Instead, I noted what had gone well during the workshop and what to do differently in the future.
Black-and-white thinking — Engaging in either/or rather than both/and perception. Currently politics are hurting my brain and my heart. I find myself thinking that others are wrong and I’m right! “They are wrong and I am right” is either/or thinking. “We are all contributing and trying our best” is both/and thinking. I’m working on it…
Projection — Attributing negative thoughts, feelings, and actions to another person and denying them in ourselves. I am guessing that everyone here has negative thoughts at one time or another. Except me. (Of course I do!)
Identifying and countering cognitive distortions is self-care as we can reframe our experiences, calm our emotions, and move our thinking into more positive and healing pathways.
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” – Audre Lorde
What’s not wrong? Sources of calm for me include journaling and writing poems about peace. My writing practice has felt hard many days amid the suffering of the world. However, the fact that writing can feel hard is not a reason for me to stop writing as there are also benefits. 1. I send out prayers when I write and, 2. I strengthen my ability to move out into the world from my heart. Here are a few intentions I have for moving from my heart; perhaps some of them overlap with your own intentions:
I will let the smallest steps be enough and celebrate them. Repotting plants and writing emails to encourage other consultants in their work are examples of small steps I took this week. Enough. I am enough today.
I will look out at the world with brave and compassionate eyes. My experience informs me that emotionally “safe spaces” are not always possible. When that is the case, I work on creating brave and compassionate spaces for myself and others. What is the difference between spaces that are safe and those that are brave? Safe spaces are places of trust. Sometimes given our individual histories we are reluctant or unable to trust. Sometimes events in the group create distrust. To create a brave space someone has to act, to be the first to be vulnerable, to create the tone that says we can be together and slowly build trust. I breathe through my fear and help set the climate for people to engage bravely with the hope that we will progress into a safe space.
I will practice seeing the parts of myself I didn’t think were worth looking at — I’m talking to you, thighs. I see you, my impatience. I will practice letting those parts receive love.
Finally, I will practice gratitude.
What’s not wrong in my work in the world? In 2020 I retired as faculty and administrator from Antioch University, cut my consulting practice to about 5 hours a week, and moved from Seattle to Waco. I’m grateful that I was able to semi-retire and that I took the opportunity to do so. Also, I am grateful for what’s opened up within me these last four years: truly taking time to tend to myself, to mentor others, to get to know my nieces and nephews, to make new friends, and to care for my mother. I have slowly re-built my consulting practice, continuing to limit myself to less than half-time. I am grateful that I let myself leave and then come back to my consulting work, and that I took the time I needed. Sometimes we need to leave, to heal, to take breaks, even from the parts of our work or life that matter deeply to us. I needed to allow myself the room to experience life’s shifts and changes with the result that I have greater joy at passing the torch to others, joy at encouraging others to shine brightly.
From author Maya Angelou:
“If you need permission to go, I liberate you. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you.”
I’m currently in a “Be Present” period — To be present to where I feel called, to be present for my son as he makes life choices, to be present for shifts in Mom’s life, to be present in community. I am also called to be present to myself. Mindfulness helps me to be present. I practice mindfulness in simple actions like breathing and meditation, making granola, hugging my puppy, having dinner with family and friends, taking photos of flowers in my garden. Attention to presence is bringing me joy. Right now in this spring season I choose to focus on warmth, beauty, colors, and people. Including you!
“The Morning Poem” by Mary Oliver:
My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird — equal seekers of sweetness. Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.
Are my boots old? Is my coat torn? Am I no longer young and still not half-perfect? Let me keep my mind on what matters, which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture. Which is mostly rejoicing, since all ingredients are here,
which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart and these body-clothes, a mouth with which to give shouts of joy to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is that we live forever.
In Closing, I ask you:
What’s not wrong? Ask yourself this week and notice how it feels to answer.
May we live from hearts of compassion.
*Thank you for the inspiration, Lisa Olivera (author of What’s Not Wrong?)
Wooow! Sending hugs and bird songs your way, what a delicious question you’ve put on my radar: what’s not wrong? 🫀thank you